My Exclusive Interview with Superman – Doug Bercy for the Swamp Sentinel
What follows is an exclusive interview with the Man of Steel, Superman. We met for lunch at the Mall of America food court in Minneapolis. He was incognito as Clark Kent wearing the familiar charcoal-gray suit and fedora. It looked like he’d put on a few pounds, and glasses didn’t hide the worry wrinkles, but his eyes were still a piercing blue and seemed ready to see through walls or melt them or something.
DB: Hello, I’m Doug.
Kal: Hello.
DB: Thanks for doing this. I guess question one is what should I call you? You look like Clark Kent at the moment. Is that what you go by these days?
Kal: I prefer Superman, but Clark is fine. Truth be told, I like my original name best but insisting people call me Kal-El is awkward. Tell you what, call me Kal.
DB: Alright Kal, thanks again. What have you got there?
Kal: Broccoli Cheddar Soup. I hit Panera.
DB: Me too. I got the Buffalo Chicken Melt.
Kal: Love their sandwiches but Lois has me on a gluten-free kick, so now I’m in the soup.
DB: I guess that makes sense for Superman.
Kal: I see what you did there, Doug. Good one.
DB: If you don’t mind talking while we eat, let’s start with some background. You were born on Krypton and your parents shipped you off to Earth before the planet exploded, right?
Kal: (slurping soup) Umhmm.
DB: You land near Smallville and are found by Jonathan and Martha Kent.
Kal: Yup. Ma and Pa.
DB: They decide to raise you and name you Clark but notice almost immediately you have superhuman strength and seem impervious to injury.
Kal: Evidently human babies can’t lift tractors out of ditches.
DB: True. And when you grew into Superboy and Ma and Pa realized your full potential, they suggested you use your powers to do good and benefit mankind but hide your true identity. Is that correct?
Kal: Well, they mostly suggested I do good work around the farm and benefit them.
DB: I imagine you were pretty handy. But benefitting mankind in Smallville was a little slow and you needed to be closer to the action, so you moved to Metropolis. Where is that, by the way?
Kal: Here. Minneapolis. Must’ve been a typo in Action Comics #1.
DB: Interesting. And you landed a job there as a reporter for the Daily Planet.
Kal: Actually, it was the Daily Star at first. They changed the name a couple of years later.
DB: Oh. Why the name change?
Kal: Dunno. More down to Earth, I guess.
DB: Score one for you, Kal. So how did you get the job? What qualifications did you have to be a journalist?
Kal: Zero. But you gotta fake it ‘til you make it, Doug.
DB: Heard. I know people at the Sentinel who are still faking it. Now let’s talk about you and Lois if we can. When did you first meet the love of your life?
Kal: It was early on, maybe the third issue. And she hated me at first.
DB: I forgot that. But not for long, right?
Kal: Actually it took quite a few episodes to break the ice. She was seriously chapped when I scooped her on the Superman story, and I didn’t realize chicks dig confidence so I guess I got carried away with the mild-mannered personality thing.
DB: I feel you. Mild-mannered guys are an acquired taste. And you can’t blame Lois for falling in love with Superman I suppose.
Kal: Yeah. That made things a little complicated.
DB: I can’t even imagine. So, what I find complicated is trying to sort out all the times you dated Lois and married her, and when you told her about your super-powers or didn’t, not to mention all the times you died and were revived, or just pretended it didn’t happen. It seems like the comics, television, and movies are all a different story.
(Kal is staring intently at his soup bowl which starts to bubble)
DB: That’s a good trick.
Kal: Yeah, I hate cold soup.
DB: So obviously it started with the first issue of the 1938 DC Action Comics series. Did they take a while to catch on?
Kal: Oh, man, things were really slow at first. I had to take a second job at JC Penny’s stocking shelves to make ends meet.
DB: Wow. But by 1941 they produced a series of animated shorts, so the market was there, yes?
Kal: Yeah, I wasn’t super popular yet but getting on the big screen was a big break.
DB: Yes, then things really took off in 1951 when George Reeves played you in Superman and the Mole Man, which led to the smash TV series Adventures of Superman.
Kal: Is there a question there, Doug?
DB: Sorry. Just trying to give my readers a sense of Superman history. But here’s one. What did you think of George Reeves as you?
Kal: Well, he had a Hollywood smile, and his eyes were pretty, but he wasn’t exactly ripped if you know what I mean. I get that it was the ‘50s and there was a different standard for male physiques, but still. Superman shouldn’t have a gut.
DB: Agreed. So 20 years later Christopher Reeve gets the part for Superman and he looks great.
Kal: Not great but better, yes. The problem I have is the pretty boy look. Why does Batman always get to be played by dark and dangerous-looking types?
DB: You mean like Christian Bale?
Kal: Yeah. And Keaton and Kilmer and Pattison.
DB: Well, Kilmer and Pattison are pretty boys, and Clooney and Affleck got their star turns too. And Adam West in the TV series? Talk about a gut.
Kal: That was a spoof, Doug.
DB: Point taken. Superman had serious star power with Brando and Hackman and was a hit.
Kal: Don’t forget Margot Kidder. Now that’s my kind of Lois Lane.
DB: Agreed. And that movie spawned two sequels, both with Christopher Reeve.
Kal: Yeah, and it could’ve been a fucking franchise, pardon my French, but he went and fell off that horse.
DB: Very sad.
Kal: Sure, but I think the studio missed a big opportunity there.
DB: Really? How so?
Kal: Well, the screenplay for a quadriplegic Superman would’ve been a challenge but you know Oscar loves a tearjerker comeback story.
DB: I like it. Have you pitched that idea?
Kal: The studios aren’t returning my calls anymore. Doug.
DB: Sorry. Let’s wrap the history. DC rebooted you in 1986 as The Man of Steel, then there was a modern take on TV in the ‘90s with Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.
Kal: I liked that show. Teri Hatcher was another Lois I’d like to date.
DB: No argument there. Finally there were three more on the big screen – Superman Returns, Man of Steel, and Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Kal: I hated the last one.
DB: Why’s that?
Kal: Because that ass clown Lex Luthor cheated for the bat brain and I lost.
DB: Wasn’t a fair fight, was it? But that’s a nice segue to something I want to ask about. Who have been your favorite enemies?
Kal: They’re enemies, Doug. None of them are favorites of mine. But if you mean the most memorable and formidable adversaries, I’d have to say Lex is at the top of the list, but Brainiac and General Zod are right up there. Doomsday too.
DB: What about Mr. Mxyzptik?
Kal: Who? You want to try that again?
DB: Not really. How do you pronounce it?
Kal: It’s MIKS-yez-PIT-el-ik.
DB: That’s what I meant to say.
Kal: So what about him?
DB: I just thought he was one of the big baddies. Never mind. Real quick, can we review your superpowers?
Kal: Of course.
DB: So, obviously superhuman strength and an invulnerable body. Those are in the ‘duh’ category. Also X-ray vision, and I have to ask if you ever use it to…
Kal: Don’t.
DB: Okay, you also have super hearing and super breath.
Kal: Lois would say super bad breath.
DB: Sounds lethal. And of course you can fly. At Mach 1 I believe.
Kal: I’ve hit Mach 2 a couple of times, but only after a few drinks.
DB: Don’t drink and fly, I guess. Did I miss anything?
Kal: You forgot my positivity and mindfulness.
DB: Really?
Kal: I’m kidding, Doug.
DB: Of course. On the other side of the ledger, you need a yellow sun for strength but can’t tolerate a red one, is that correct?
Kal: Is that so strange?
DB: No. And everyone knows that kryptonite cripples you and nullifies your powers.
Kal: Umhmm. And I’m also a born sucker for telekinesis and magic of all things.
DB: Can you give me a for instance?
Kal: Sure. Saw a Penn & Teller show in Vegas a year ago. They recognized me and brought me onstage for a trick, and I dropped a hundred grand at the tables that night. With X-ray vision I normally take the house.
DB: Seems like the casinos would all be on the lookout for you.
Kal: Yeah, they’ve got face recognition software these days but for some reason they’re reluctant to ask me to leave. They keep the cocktails coming though.
DB: I don’t blame them. What about the Fortress of Solitude? You still use that?
Kal: Once in a while. It’s nice having a man cave when Lois is pissed at me. But I got to get a smaller key. I can hardly lift that frickin’ thing anymore.
DB: Back to Lois for a second and then we can wrap this up. In the comics, at any rate, the two of you start dating in 1990 and you propose to her late that year. And that’s when you finally come clean about your identity and superpowers.
Kal: I’m not good with dates but that sounds about right.
DB: And after a long engagement you marry at the end of 1996. Can I ask if you consummated the marriage then, or was there some pre-marital sex?
Kal: I’m not a monk, Doug.
DB: Roger that. I have to ask, Kal, and forgive me if this is too personal but I assume the sex was super, yeah?
Kal: Well, you’d have to ask her. I did have some trouble at first.
DB: You’re kidding.
Kal: No. Are you going to stigmatize men with ED?
DB: Of course not. I’m just a little surprised, that’s all.
Kal: I got those little blue pills and things are fine now.
DB: I’m happy to hear that. But if Lois only knew you as Clark Kent and still had the hots for Superman, how did that work?
Kal: It was kind of a three-way, but that’s all I’m going to say.
DB: Kinky. Just a couple more questions, Supe.
Kal: Please don’t call me that.
DB: So sorry. I was a huge Richard Pryor fan, and it just slipped.
Kal: He riffed that line and it stuck. I hate it.
DB: Understood. Last thing. I’m curious about the costume. It’s awfully color-coordinated. Did you design it yourself?
Kal: Matchy-matchy is not a crime, Doug.
DB: No. it’s very nice, but since you wear it under your street clothes, doesn’t that get hot? Are you wearing it now?
Kal: Of course I’m wearing it. When I see a job for Superman I don’t have time to run home. And I like to layer during the winter months, but right now it’s pretty sweaty and uncomfortable. Itchy too. It’s supposed to be some kind of indestructible Kryptonian fabric but it feels like wool.
DB: Okay, this is going to sound silly, but the spit curl that just shows up when you become Superman, where does that come from? Do you use product?
Kal: I have no idea how or why that happens. Lois thinks it’s cute, but I find it embarrassing.
DB: Okay, that’s it. Thank you so much for doing this, Kal. And for continuing to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.
Kal: Speaking of that, my super-sense is picking up a threat to our way of life happening downtown right here, right now. Some masked thugs just killed a nurse and are gassing concerned citizens protesting that. (standing up) This is a job for Superman!
DB: Now I suppose it’s up, up, and away.
Kal: No, I don’t do that anymore. First of all, the 5th Dimension totally ruined the catchphrase in the ‘60s with that stupid song. And flying draws too much attention anyway. Nowadays I usually take an Uber.
DB: Alright. Give ‘em hell, Supe.
(Kal, Clark, and Superman gave me a wry smile and jogged to the escalator)