Stupid Cupid

My Exclusive Interview with Cupid – Doug Bercy for the Swamp Sentinel

What follows is an exclusive interview with Cupid, who sat down with me on a chilly November morning at the original Starbucks in Seattle’s Pike Place Market. He was shortish, but not baby-sized, and had a weathered face with a five o’clock shadow, so even though he was chubby you couldn’t call him cherubic. He looked a lot like Danny DeVito. That, plus the fact he was carrying a bow and a quiver full of arrows, attracted a few sideways glances, but thankfully he wasn’t naked and fit right in wearing khaki cargo pants, Danner boots, and an Eddie Bauer parka.

DB:      Good morning, you must be Cupid.

Eros:    Oh, dear. Is it obvious? I should’ve left the bow and arrows at home.

DB:      No big deal. They probably think you’re a street performer or something.

Eros:    That’s a relief. And you must be Doug. Please call me Eros.

DB:      Alright, Eros.

Eros:    No, silly. Not like the sandwich. Like these (points to his quiver).

DB:      Sorry. But why not Cupid?

Eros:    I don’t know. I just think Cupid is stupid and makes me sound like a Disney character. Which I probably am come to think of it. Am I?

DB:      Yes. I think you were in the Hercules movie.

Eros:    Oh, well that’s fun. I should watch it sometime.

DB:      Absolutely. But you have other names, right? Is Amor acceptable?

Eros:    Well, it’s better than Cupid I guess, but I’m not crazy about that one either. I’m Greek and those Romans stole our Gods and just renamed them. They were so rude.

DB:      Noted. What about The God of Love?

Eros:    It’s embarrassing, Doug. I mean it’s technically correct but what am I supposed to do, put that on a business card? Nice to meet you, Bob. Oh, you’re a VP at Microsoft. I’m the God of Love. Let’s do lunch. That’s just silly.

DB:      Any others I should cross off the list?

Eros:    None that I’m aware of. I’ve heard that hipsters call me Captain Love of the Passion Patrol and I think that’s totally fun. That should be an Avenger, though.

DB:      For sure, but I think I’ll stick to Eros if that’s okay. Thanks for meeting me here.

Eros:    I love Starbucks.

DB:      I gathered that. Did you clean them out of cake pops?

Eros:    I hope not. That would be sad. They’re so yummy I eat them two at a time. Want one?

DB:      No, I ate. And what have you got to drink there?

Eros:    Venti Peppermint Frappuccino. Six pumps of peppermint, Doug. Is that crazy? Sippies?

DB:      No, no thank you. So, obviously you’re a fan of Starbucks, but I guess I was a little surprised you’d want to meet here. I thought maybe you’d want to meet in a singles bar or something like that.

Eros:    No, no, I got sick of that in the ‘80s. Coffee shops are where the action is.

DB:      I hadn’t really noticed but I’ll take your word. Anyway, thanks for the time and trouble. I assume you flew here for the interview.

Eros:    And boy are my arms tired (smiles cherubically and giggles). I’m kidding, Doug, I took an Uber and traffic was a nightmare.

DB:      Tell me about it. But you can fly, right? Isn’t that how you do your job?

Eros:    Oh god, no. I developed this icky repetitive motion disorder centuries ago. My wings still work but it hurts when I flap (he unzipped his parka just enough for me to catch a glimpse of what appeared to be white wings).

DB:      So, how do you do it now?

Eros:    Do what?

DB:      You know, fly around and shoot people so they’ll fall in love.

Eros:    Drones.

DB:      Shut up. Really?

Eros:    Oh, yes. It’s wonderful. I’ve got a zillion drones and hundreds of operators at the CCC.

DB:      The CCC?

Eros:    Cupid Command Center. We call it the Love Shack.

DB:      Okay, wow. May I ask where it is?

Eros:    No. I’m afraid that’s classified, Doug, but we kind of hid it in plain sight.

DB:      That sounds like a challenge. I’m going to have to take a closer look, but may I ask how a few hundred drone operators make the whole world go ‘round with love? That doesn’t sound like nearly enough.

Eros:    Well, the truth is everyone hooks up on-line now so we’re not super busy.

DB:      I’m not sure that’s for the best.

Eros:    Oh, it’s not. Trust me.

DB:      Can’t you intercede and make on-line dating, you know, safer, and with better results?

Eros:    People can be so doggone dishonest about themselves I wouldn’t know how to help, or even where to start. They can pretend to be anyone or anything now and it makes me cranky. And even if I could make things better, do I shoot you or your smart phone?

DB:      I see what you mean. So, you outsource. Do you see active duty anymore? Maybe take some of the really tough cases yourself?

Eros:    There really aren’t any tough cases, Doug. Giving humans the hots is easier than giving a dog bacon.

DB:      You’re officially retired then?

Eros:    I’d call it semi-retired. Once in a while when I get bored silly, I take a bunch of Advil and fly a route. Nothing long-haul anymore, though, it’s strictly local.

DB:      Nice. And I’ll bet you’ve still got it. The people you shoot probably fall deeper in love than the drone victims, right?

Eros:    That’s sweet you’d say that. Maybe it’s true but I’ve got bad cataracts now, so my aim isn’t what it used to be. Last week I shot a really lonely man in the stomach and he fell in love with his fettucine.

DB:      That could’ve been me. Can you tell me a little about your background? Family upbringing?

Eros:    Well, it makes it sound like I had a privileged childhood, but mommy was Venus the Love Goddess and daddy was Mars the God of War.

DB:      You’re right. Were you an only child?

Eros:    No, no, those two were like rabbits, but I was their little angel. Spoiled rotten.

DB:      They were doting parents I take it.

Eros:    No, not really. They were gone a lot doing god stuff, so I was mostly in day care.

DB:      What was that like?

Eros:    Oh, it was so much fun. The other kids were all satyrs and nymphs, so to tell you the truth parents literally had to drag us out of there at five o’clock.

DB:      What about home life? How was that?

Eros:    It was wonderful. We had a full house and mom and dad were very attentive and chill when they were around. We definitely steered clear of them when they had one of their little spats, though. Oh, my goodness!

DB:     I can imagine. Okay, here’s a curveball. What’s up with Valentine’s Day? Is that your deal? Your holiday?

Eros:    Oh, gosh no. For the longest time it was a terribly boring feast honoring some martyr named Saint Valentine. How in the world it became a day men buy roses and chocolates hoping they’ll get lucky is a mystery. Feels kind of desperate, Doug.

DB:      Touché. But I think it’s more about celebrating romance, isn’t it?

Eros:    Why do you need a day for that? If you numbnuts would give your honey a bunch of daisies out of the blue on some random day and thank them for doing the dishes and your stinky laundry, I bet your odds of getting lucky would improve. Being romantic one day a year in the middle of February just isn’t going to do the trick. Try telling them you love them every single day.

DB:      That’s hard to do.

Eros:    Why?

DB:      Life gets in the way, I guess.

Eros:    What is there in life but love, Doug?

DB:      I don’t know. Jobs, careers, kids. I think people just get worn out. Can’t you do something to rekindle romance?

Eros:    I’m sorry to be crass but I’m in the lust business. My influence lasts maybe through the second date, third tops. I get the fire started but it’s not my job to keep it burning.

DB:     I got to say, Eros, this is kind of disappointing. Aren’t you supposed to match us with our perfect soulmates and then we don’t have to work at it quite so hard? It just comes naturally and lasts until death do us part. That whole thing?

Eros:    Don’t be silly, Doug. Why do people buy such flapdoodle? Just because you both liked listening to Peaches & Herb when you first made love doesn’t mean you were meant for each other. And even if it was true, what if your soulmate was cooking yak meat over a dung fire in Mongolia? How am I supposed to hook you up with her?

DB:     Point taken. But why is keeping love alive so hard?

Eros:    It’s not. You just have to put your back into it. And don’t get excited, I do not mean trying advanced positions. Try making your partner’s happiness more important than yours. Give a little more than you take and voila! I love speaking French.

DB:     Okay, guilty as charged.

Eros:     Here’s a pro tip. Forget about Valentine’s Day and remember this. All you need is love, and love is all you need. Hey, somebody should write a song about that (smiles cherubically and giggles again).

DB:      Right. But what if…

Eros:    I’m so sorry to cut this short, Doug, but I shot somebody at Costco yesterday by accident and he gave me tickets to the Seahawks game. Oh my gosh, they’re on the club level too. I gotta fly.

DB:      Of course. I appreciate you spending the time.

Eros:    It was fun. See you around.

(with that, Eros finished his peppermint frappuccino with a slurp, literally floated out the door, and got in an Uber)