Forever and a Day

Can I tell you something?

I’m old enough to remember when Teflon pans were first introduced, sparking a revolution in American kitchens and dealing a crippling blow to the steel wool industry. My mother, who as you know by now was not a very good cook, was so enamored with the new technology she insisted that my father, who as you know by now was not a big spender, buy her a matching set of six Teflon pans even though to my knowledge she only used one of them. It was thrilling to watch her slide overcooked and rubbery eggs onto our plates with ease, then give the pan a quick wipe with a soapy sponge and rinse and dry it before nesting it back with the unused pans.

But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.

What we didn’t know at the time was that the brilliant young chemist at DuPont, one Roy Plunkett, who gave us the magic and convenience of Teflon, also gave us a gift that would keep on giving, well, forever.

The secret ingredient which allowed overcooked eggs to slide easily out of the pan was a polyfluorinated alkyl substance (PFAS), more commonly referred to today as a ‘forever chemical’ mostly because polyfluorinated alkyl substance takes forever to say.

The thing about PFAS that makes them unique and truly scary is that they never, ever biodegrade or break down in any way. Thanks, Roy.

The good news is that there are only about 12,000 different types and they are easy to avoid because you will only find them in non-stick cookware. And pizza boxes, most takeout containers, disposable trays, food wrappers, and microwave popcorn bags. And many building materials, carpets, rugs, furniture textiles, window treatments, and car seats. And firefighting foam and protective uniforms, most water-resistant outdoor gear, stain-resistant clothing, and umbrellas. And a lot of personal care products including cosmetics, body wash, and suntan lotion. Even sewage sludge used to make cheap fertilizer is full of PFAS. Oh, and ironically, they’re also found in medical equipment and protective masks.

It's no surprise then that 99% of Americans have PFAS in their bodies. Which begs the question who the fuck are the 1% who don’t? Aside from trapped miners and people marooned on a tropical island, I can’t imagine how it’s possible to avoid being contaminated with Roy’s magic dust.

Especially since forever chemicals are now found in a large percentage of our food supply because how are the animals, fish, and shellfish going to avoid the stuff either unless they are trapped with the miners or native to the tropical island?

And even better news is that even if you were to somehow eliminate PFAS from your life, the ones already in your body don’t go away. At least not before you die. And that might happen sooner rather than later because studies have linked forever chemicals to cancer, high cholesterol, thyroid disease, liver damage, asthma, allergies, and reduced vaccine response.

But that’s not what I wanted to tell you either.

We humans haven’t exactly been good stewards of Mother Earth and our environment. I won’t get into fossil fuels, climate change and global warming because I’m focused on chemical pollutants here, and I don’t want to spoil the essay I’m writing on fossil fuels, climate change and global warming. But just to put things in perspective and give forever chemicals a break, let me share with you some startling and heart-breaking statistics on non-forever plastic waste.

No less than 90% of human trash that is floating around and littering the bottom of the planet’s oceans is plastic. People who keep track of such things estimate there are more than 171 trillion pieces of plastic on the surface, amounting to millions of tons of the stuff. These same folks say that by the year 2050, plastic waste will outweigh all the fish in the sea, although it’s unclear whether that’s because we keep dumping shit in the water or fishing the shit out of it. Probably both.

There is now a patch of plastic twice the size of Texas happily floating around the Pacific. Not Rhode Island, Texas for crying out loud. Governor Abbott is reportedly considering putting razor wire around it to keep migrants off his trash.

But, through awareness and gradual acceptance of the science, we managed to patch the hole in the Ozone layer by banning the use of chlorofluorocarbons in refrigerators, aerosol sprays, solvents, etc., so isn’t there something we can do about PFAS, you ask? Well, the answer is we are trying but not very hard. Socially responsible manufacturers are starting to replace forever chemicals and make stuff we use with less toxic materials. And a recent class-action lawsuit that the 3M company settled for $10.3 billion will get the attention of less responsible manufacturers and could open the floodgates to litigation over the use of PFAS. Too late for us but maybe the great grandkids might avoid the stuff.

What I really wanted to tell you is this.

You know how we like to say that such and such will last forever? Usually we’re talking about something like a pair of Danner hiking boots or a Twinkie, but the implication is that it’s either so well-made or full of preservatives the product may very well outlive us.

And dying is the universally accepted beginning of forever, so the description is accurate. A few years ago, a young, outdoorsy REI salesman did in fact tell me that the new pair of Danner boots I was trying on would last longer than me and it led to an awkward moment. He was right of course but realized immediately it probably wasn’t the best sales pitch.

I’m pushing 70 now so PFAS are not my biggest concern. Other acronyms like IBS and MAGA terrify me more.

Still, you’d think with all our American ingenuity and know-how, the good people at Dupont and elsewhere could come up with super-durable, non-stick, water and stain-resistant products that don’t contain forever chemicals. But until they do, whenever we buy something that claims it’s ‘long lasting’, it’s probably loaded with PFAS and will last a lot longer than we think. Like forever. And that’s a long, long time.

But at the end of the day, or eternity, isn’t the presence of forever chemicals in our bodies a small price to pay for eggs not sticking to the pan?

Thanks for listening. Talk soon.