Some Unlikely Subjects Set the Record Straight – Intrepid journalist Doug Bercy sits down with the people you most want to hear from, but never thought you would, for hard-hitting, wide-ranging, and surprisingly frank interviews.
What follows is an exclusive interview with Buddy the Elf. We sat down for breakfast in the Union City, New Jersey IHOP. He wore his traditional elf outfit, which drew a few stares and giggles, and other than a touch of gray in his hair, he looked exactly like he did in the movie.
DB: Good morning, Buddy. I’m Doug Bercy.
Buddy: Hi, Doug!
DB: Thanks for doing this. Is Jovie joining us?
Buddy: (frowns) She got called into work.
DB: That’s too bad.
Buddy: I know! Jovie loves IHOP!
DB: Where does she work?
Buddy: She works at Petco. Have you ever been there? It’s amazing.
DB: No, I don’t have pets.
Buddy: You don’t? Why not? They’re furry and cuddly and they smell nice most of the time and they love you no matter what!
DB: That’s true, but I live in a studio apartment and they don’t allow pets.
Buddy: That’s terrible! I think you should live somewhere else.
DB: You’re right. Where do you and Jovie live, Buddy? Here in Union City?
Buddy: We live in Hoboken, but we don’t have an IHOP in Hoboken so I come to Union City a lot. IHOPs are the best, don’t you think?
DB: Of course.
Waitress: Morning, Buddy. Nice to see you.
Buddy: Good morning, Elaine! It’s nice to see you too! You look beautiful today!
Waitress: Thank you, Buddy. Who’s your friend?
DB: Hi, I’m Doug Bercy. I’m interviewing Buddy for a Christmas story we’re running in my paper.
Waitress: Well nice to meet you, handsome. What’s your situation?
DB: Single, sort of. And hungry.
Waitress: Well, let’s see what we can do about that.
Buddy: I’m famished!
Waitress: You always are, sweetie. Are we having the usual?
Buddy: Yes please, Elaine!
Waitress: And what’ll it be for you, hon?
DB: Western omelette please, with dry toast and a small OJ. And black coffee.
Waitress: Coming right up.
DB: So, Buddy, we’ve lost touch with you since the movie.
Buddy: What movie?
DB: Elf? The movie you starred in.
Buddy: I didn’t star in a movie.
DB: Yes, you did.
Buddy No I didn’t!
DB: Okay. So, the baby must be in college by now.
Buddy: How did you know we had a baby?
DB: Never mind. What’s his name?
Buddy: Joey! He’s at NYU and lives in Greenwich Village and asks for money a lot.
DB: I’ll bet. Do you and Jovie have any other kids?
Buddy: Yes! We have Jimmy and Jilly and Jacky and Janey.
DB: That’s a big brood. How do you feed all those hungry mouths?
Buddy: I have a job too! I have the best job in the world!
DB: What is it, Buddy?
Buddy: My dad invites me to parties! Mostly birthday parties but all kinds of parties. The holiday parties are my favorites.
DB: What do you mean he invites you?
Buddy: He calls me and asks me to go to parties and I go. I don’t know the people at the party but they’re all very nice and we laugh and sing and eat cookies. Sometimes we drink punch. The parties always get better after we drink punch!
DB: Sounds like fun. Do you work alone?
Buddy: It’s fun! It’s not really work!
DB: Right. Does anyone go to the parties with you?
Buddy: Sometimes Leon the Snowman comes, and Mr. Narwhal, and Santa but he’s usually busy. And once in a while they invite Miles too.
DB: Miles Finch? The children’s book author? That’s a little surprising.
Buddy: I don’t like it when he comes. He’s an angry elf.
DB: Yes, he does seem to have issues. So it sounds like your dad books you and others as entertainment at private parties. Does it pay well?
Buddy: I don’t know. But my dad gives me a check at the end of every month and it’s a lot of money and I give it to Jovie. My dad is the best dad in the world!
DB: Do Walter and Emily still live in Manhattan?
Buddy: Yes! You’re super smart. How do you know all this?
DB: Just a lucky guess. Do you see them often?
Buddy: Every Sunday! Walter and Emily and Michael and I have spaghetti dinner at their apartment. Spaghetti’s my favorite!
DB: With syrup, I imagine.
Buddy: Yes! Have you tried it?
DB: Not yet. What about Papa Elf? Do you and Jovie and the kids visit him?
Buddy: Papa died three years ago. Santa said it was because they needed him to help with the toys in Heaven.
DB: I’m sorry. Were you with him when he passed?
Buddy: Jovie was at Petco and I was at a party. It was not a very nice party either! Everyone drank a lot of punch and took off all their clothes and started doing funny things. I told dad I didn’t want to go to any more of those parties. But we did go to the North Pole for Papa’s funeral.
DB: That’s nice. Where was he laid to rest? The Candy Cane Forest?
Buddy: No! We scattered his ashes in the Sea of Swirly Twirly Gumdrops!
DB: That’s sweet.
Waitress: Here you go, handsome. The Cowboy with spurs, no cow cover on the raft, coffee high and dry. (winks) And here you are, Buddy. Waffles, a large stack, and a side of cluck and grunt. And extra syrup. Are we missing anything?
Buddy: More syrup please!
Waitress: We’re going to go broke, sweetie.
Buddy: I’m sorry! I don’t want you to go broke.
Waitress: I’m kidding.
DB: Wow, that’s a lot of food. Do you still adhere to the four major food groups?
Buddy: Yes! Candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup!
(Buddy pours syrup on everything and digs in enthusiastically)
DB: Your diet is not very nutritious, Buddy.
Buddy: Yes, it is!
DB: No, it’s not.
Buddy: Yes, it is!
DB: Let’s move on. You mentioned that Santa sometimes comes to the parties but not very often. You heard that Ed Asner died a couple years back, right?
Buddy: Who’s Ed Asner? Was he on the naughty list?
DB: He played Santa.
Buddy: No, he didn’t!
DB: Yes, he did.
Buddy: No, he didn’t! Santa plays Santa!
DB: Of course. But do you stay in touch?
Buddy: Yes! Sometimes he needs help fixing the Clausometer.
DB: That’s what powers his sleigh, right?
Buddy: That’s right! How did you know that?
DB: I’ve seen the movie like a dozen times, Buddy.
Buddy: What movie? I like movies!
DB: It’s called Elf.
Buddy: I’m an elf! I want to see it!
DB: I know. Do you have Netflix?
Buddy: What’s Netflix? Is that what they were watching at that not nice party? If it is, I don’t want to watch Netflix!
DB: I don’t think they were watching Netflix. Buddy, I’m sorry to cut this short but I need to wrap up so we can go to print for the holiday edition. And I see you’re done with your breakfast.
Buddy: It would’ve been sooner, but you ask so many questions.
DB: Sorry, that’s kind of the point of an interview.
Buddy: Interviews are fun! Can we do another?
DB: Maybe another time, Buddy. But just a couple more questions. I’d like to ask how will you be spending Christmas?
Buddy: Christmas is my favorite! Me and Jovie and Joey and Jimmy and Jilly and Jacky and Janey all go to the North Pole on Christmas Eve, and then we all go to Walter and Emily’s on Christmas Day. We open presents and play with toys and play games and sing Christmas songs and eat ham and spaghetti and pie. And Walter drinks lots of punch.
DB: Sounds great. What songs do you sing?
Buddy: We sing lots of songs! We sing Jingle Bells and Sleigh Ride and Let it Snow and Baby It’s Cold Outside and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Santa Claus is Coming to Town is my favorite!
DB: Why that one?
Buddy: Because it means Santa is coming to town!
DB: Of course. Last question, Buddy. What’s the best way to spread Christmas cheer?
Buddy: Singing loud for all to hear! Are you going to finish your omelette?
However you celebrate, happy holidays to all from Doug Bercy and everyone at the Swamp Sentinel! Here’s hoping for peace on Earth.
The Laughable Feast will be taking a break next week, but more fattening fare will be on the table in 2024. Happy New Year and thanks for reading!
You really need to expand your toast horizons. Dry toast is boring. I suggest butter with a nice orange marmalade. A very fun read and Happy Holidays 😊