Be Careful What You Wish For

Derrick Delaney needed a break in the worst possible way. He was behind on rent, his SNAP card was used up for the month so there wasn’t much to eat, and the gas company was threatening to cut off service in a week. How it got to this point was not a mystery, but Derrick treated it as such and kept searching for clues that were right in front of him. His older brother Donny abruptly moved out two months earlier after an argument over money got ugly, real ugly, and without his financial support there was no way Derrick could keep the shitty apartment they’d shared. Not unless he landed a job soon and the chances of that weren’t good because he hadn’t been looking.

“I just need fifteen Gs, man,” he said out loud to the walls closing in around him. “Fifteen stinkin’ Gs.”

He’d done the math on the back of a beer coaster and figured fifteen thousand dollars would take care of all the bills that had piled up, get him the used Jeep he’d been eyeing on Carvana, and put down first and last for a new place in Flagstaff where he knew he could get a job in his uncle’s body shop, with just enough left over to drive to Vegas for a weekend to kick up his heels. Derrick was dying of hate and boredom in Bakersfield and thought a change of scenery would be the ticket to a new life.

After a quick shower he caught himself in the mirror and the vacant eyes staring back were those of a convict who’d been in the can for too long. The deep well of self-pity and despair he was trapped in made him want to puke.

He felt like shit for the things he’d said and done to Donny and abruptly shoved them out of his mind by thinking about a new life. When he got set up in Flagstaff, he’d for sure make the drive to Tucson and patch things up, but for now it was going to be something he’d just have to live with.

Their dad had left shortly after Derrick was born, and it would be nice if it was one of those stories you hear about a single mom raising the boys on her own by working two jobs and finding time to play catch in the yard. But Janelle Delaney was a junkie and what little money she earned when she could hold a job went into the hole in her arm. Her sister Maureen watched Derrick when he was little and helped out with the bills when she could, but it was Donny, ten years older, who became the head of the household and looked out for Derrick, even passing on a baseball scholarship at the state university to stay home and play father instead.

Donny was everything Derrick wasn’t – disciplined, self-confident but not cocky, stable in his work and personal relationships, and comfortable in his own skin.

And on top of that, even though his little brother was a lazy loser and a sponge, he took care of his flesh and blood mostly without complaint or criticism. Derrick knew he owed Donny not just a lot of money, but his life. Deep down he was grateful and full of love and respect for his brother but that didn’t stop him from nursing the sickness that made him green with envy and resentful, often to the verge of insanity. Which is what happened that night a couple months ago.

Derrick was pretty drunk, so he wasn’t clear on the sequence of events or details of the fight, but it started when Donny got home from Ralph’s grocery store where he worked as the produce manager. Derrick was on the couch playing video games.

Which wasn’t unusual and rarely drew a comment from Donny, but it seemed he’d had a rough day and when Derrick asked to borrow twenty bucks without even looking up from the screen, his older brother told him to get his fat ass off the couch and earn it. Derrick probably would’ve taken that jab and accepted the no, but when Donny started in on him for not even looking for work and saying he wasn’t going to front him rent anymore, that set him off.

Still staring at the man in the mirror, the incident suddenly came stabbing back to him with painful clarity. The more Donny had stood his ground and argued with logic and a steady voice, the more Derrick became unhinged and the louder he yelled.

He couldn’t remember exactly what had been said, and it didn’t really matter, but when Donny had come close enough to put an index finger in his chest the world went black, and he started swinging. Donny never threw a punch and blocked most of them, but a couple of big ones got through. When the fury gave way to exhaustion Derrick passed out on the couch, and when he came to the next morning there was dried blood on his hands, and Donny was gone without a note or any trace of his existence left behind.

Derrick sat on that same couch, for how long it’s hard to say, listening to the mocking urgency of the ticking clock until the mail slot banging shut snapped him out of his self-loathing.

He went to the door and mechanically stooped to pick up the letter. It was from some insurance company and he ripped open the envelope expecting another past due bill to put on the pile. His mind was refusing to think this morning, so the words were slow to register.

Mr. Derrick R. Delaney,

We have been notified of your brother’s untimely death and are so sorry for your loss. Mr. Donald A. Delaney had a life insurance policy with our company, and you were named as a beneficiary. Please find enclosed a check in the amount of fifteen thousand dollars and zero cents. Don’t hesitate to contact our office in the event you have any questions or concerns. Again, our condolences.

Sincerely,

Rodney M. McFarlane

Regional Manager, The Golden State Assurance Co.

In a numb rage and choking back tears, Derrick gripped the check and stared at it as the letter fluttered to the floor.